NEW YORK — After months of watching their portfolios bleed out slowly and painfully, members of Crypto Twitter have finally identified the true culprit behind Bitcoin’s 40% decline: a shadowy Wall Street entity known only as “Jane Street,” which apparently wakes up every morning with one mission — ruin your life.
For weeks, Bitcoin investors had struggled to explain the downturn. There was no exchange implosion. No major hack. No dramatic founder fleeing to Argentina. Just… slow, relentless suffering.
And for crypto traders, unexplained suffering is unacceptable.
So they did what any rational, decentralized community would do:
They found a villain.
The Conspiracy Is Born
The theory began in the sacred research laboratories of the modern age: anonymous Twitter threads with rocket emojis.
According to viral posts, Jane Street, a notoriously secretive Wall Street trading firm, had been manipulating Bitcoin prices through its role as an “authorized participant” in ETFs.
In plain English (or at least Crypto Twitter English), this meant:
“They dump Bitcoin every morning at exactly 9:31 AM, short it, profit, drink green juice, and laugh at us.”
Charts were posted. Arrows were drawn. Circles were added for emphasis.
One widely shared thread titled “EXPOSING THE FINAL BOSS” claimed Jane Street had been:
- Selling spot Bitcoin
- Holding secret short positions
- Forcing price dips
- Then buying back lower
- While whispering “NGMI” into the void
Proof?
A screenshot and vibes.
Rally That Confirmed Everything
Midweek, Bitcoin suddenly bounced.
Naturally, this validated the theory completely.
Crypto Twitter immediately declared:
“They stopped because we exposed them.”
Some even speculated that Jane Street traders were nervously scrolling Twitter and whispering:
“Oh no, @CryptoWarrior420 found the pattern.”
Market veterans, however, were less convinced.
Adults Enter the Chat
Wall Street professionals, who spend their days understanding derivatives instead of anime avatars, responded with confusion.
Rob Hadick of Dragonfly Capital explained:
“The argument makes zero sense and completely misunderstands how derivatives and ETFs work.”
His statement was immediately translated by Crypto Twitter as:
“He’s in on it.”
Meanwhile, a person close to Jane Street reportedly described the theory as:
“Absolutely ridiculous.”
This comment was also interpreted as:
“Classic villain behavior.”
Why Jane Street?
To understand the emotional intensity, you must understand the lore.
Jane Street once employed:
- Sam Bankman-Fried
- Caroline Ellison
Both later convicted in the collapse of FTX.
The firm is also entangled in litigation connected to Terraform Labs, the company behind one of crypto’s most dramatic implosions.
To a sector already nursing PTSD from Luna charts and exchange bankruptcy PDFs, Jane Street feels less like a market maker and more like a recurring villain in Season 7 of Crypto: The Series.
Add in:
- Massive trading profits
- Extreme secrecy
- A cofounder described as eccentric
- Wall Street energy
And suddenly, you have the perfect antagonist.
Real Story: Pain Needs a Face
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Bitcoin falling slowly with no dramatic villain is boring.
A hidden Wall Street mastermind manipulating ETF plumbing for months?
Now that’s content.
After all, it’s much easier to believe:
- A shadow firm is suppressing your gains
Than:
- Markets are cyclical
- Liquidity is tightening
- You bought the top
As one observer put it:
“It’s just people who want a boogeyman to blame.”
But in crypto, the boogeyman is part of the ecosystem.
2018 had ICO scammers.
2022 had SBF.
2025 apparently has Jane Street.
Meanwhile, Bitcoin Continues Being Bitcoin
As of press time:
- Bitcoin was up.
- Or down.
- Or flat.
- Or manipulated.
- Depending on who you asked.
Crypto Twitter has already moved on to a new theory involving:
- BlackRock
- Lunar cycles
- And something about perps that no one fully understands
Jane Street, for its part, reportedly continues doing what it has always done: trading quietly, efficiently, and without consulting meme accounts.
Final Thought
When markets are booming, everyone is a genius.
When markets fall 40%, someone must be evil.
And in a space built on decentralization, transparency, and distrust of institutions, it was probably inevitable that a mysterious Wall Street firm would eventually become the villain of the week.
Tomorrow, it may be someone else.
Until then:
Crypto Twitter sleeps soundly, knowing the monster has been named.
DISCLAIMER:
This article is a parody and should not be interpreted as factual reporting or as making real claims about any individual or organization.
