Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a bizarre twist that even the most eccentric crypto circles didn’t see coming, U.S. President Donald J. Trump claimed Wednesday night that he is, in fact, Satoshi Nakamoto — the elusive creator of Bitcoin.
“People don’t know this, but I invented Bitcoin. Tremendous invention. Nobody knew it was me,” Trump told an enthusiastic crowd at a fundraising gala. “I said, let’s make digital money great again. And we did. We really did.”
Wearing a red “Make Bitcoin Great Again” cap and flanked by bodyguards with golden crypto wallets embroidered on their jackets, Trump insisted that the infamous 2008 Bitcoin whitepaper was ghostwritten on his behalf.
“You look at that whitepaper — beautiful paper, by the way, very technical — and you see genius. That’s me. I told someone to write it. Probably Steve Bannon. I don’t remember. Could’ve been Melania. She’s very smart.”
Blockchain… Trumpchain?
When pressed for evidence, Trump produced what he called “the original Bitcoin laptop” — a gold-plated MacBook with “TRUMPCHAIN 001” engraved on the back. Reporters noted that the laptop’s browser had three open tabs: Truth Social, a Dogecoin price tracker, and a paused YouTube video titled “How Blockchain Works (For Dummies).”
“Do you see the block? Do you see the chain? I said, let’s put them together. Boom. Genius. And by the way, Bitcoin was a very stable currency until Sleepy Joe got involved.”
Satoshi Disputes the Claim (Sort of)
In an unprecedented event, the verified Bitcoin Genesis wallet — believed to be associated with the real Nakamoto — moved exactly 0.00000045 BTC shortly after Trump’s speech, accompanied by an encoded message:
“lol. no.”
But Trump wasn’t fazed.
“That’s just Deep State Nakamoto. Probably Obama using a VPN in Japan.”
Crypto Community Reacts
Crypto Twitter immediately melted down. Dogecoin co-creator Billy Markus tweeted, “If Trump is Satoshi, I’m Vitalik Buterin’s Labrador.”
Meanwhile, Cardano founder Charles Hoskinson held an emergency livestream titled “This Is Why I Left Ethereum.”
Elon Musk posted a meme of Trump photoshopped onto the Matrix’s Neo, dodging arrows labeled “SEC,” “Bankruptcy,” and “Hashrate.”
Campaign Funded by Bitcoin?
Trump’s 2nd term has heavily influenced crypto in a positive way and this might just be the final nail in the coffin, after launching a Trump-branded wallet and a memecoin called “$TRUMPY,” U.S president plans to issue 740 meme coins more. “I can’t promise I won’t rug, you gotta be stupid to get rugged.” Sources say the slogan for the coin is “Backed by Nothing, Just Like the Fed.”
At the rally, Trump urged supporters to “donate Bitcoin, Ethereum, or whatever that monkey coin is” to his campaign.
“If you give $47 in crypto, I’ll send you a limited edition NFT of me shirtless riding a blockchain.”
Experts Weigh In
“We’ve entered a post-fact era,” said Columbia political historian Dr. Angela Ripley. “There’s a non-zero chance his supporters will start mining Bitcoin with MAGA hats on.”
A spokesperson from the Bitcoin Foundation said, “This is the weirdest FUD attack we’ve ever seen. But hey, at least he’s not saying to ban it this time.”
As Trump walked off stage to the tune of “Money for Nothing,” he winked and said, “Next week, I’m announcing I invented Ethereum too. It’s pronounced Ee-thur-rump. Look it up.”
