In what Pentagon officials are calling “a tactical decision made purely out of emotional instability,” former President Donald Trump has reportedly authorized a completely unrelated missile strike on Iran, just hours after his highly publicized social media fight with tech billionaire Elon Musk.
Sources confirm:
There was no provocation from Iran.
There was no connection to Tesla.
There was just a lot of yelling and Diet Coke cans flying around.
“I Needed to Hit Something,” Says Trump
Trump, who recently reignited his 2024 campaign by calling himself “The Real Iron Man”, was reportedly so incensed by Musk’s latest insult — where Musk called Trump “a sentient golf cart” — that he stormed out of Mar-a-Lago’s breakfast buffet and immediately demanded military action.
“He kept screaming ‘I’ll show that robot punk!’ but the only countries he had flagged on his Risk board were Iran and Canada,” said an anonymous Secret Service agent, wiping mustard off his tie. “He flipped a coin.”
Iran lost.
Musk Responds: “I’ve Already Evacuated to Mars”
Elon Musk, upon hearing about the missile launch, casually tweeted:
“I evacuated Earth two days ago. Enjoy your World War III, I’m building skate parks on Mars.”
Musk then announced that all Tesla vehicles will now come equipped with EMP shielding “just in case Trump pushes the wrong button again.”
He also hinted at launching a new crypto token called $TRIGGERED that will moon every time Trump rage-posts.
The Iran Part? Still Completely Unclear
Defense analysts are baffled.
Iranian officials are confused.
Even Trump’s own staff reportedly asked, “Wait, did you mean to do that?”
In a press conference, Trump explained his strategy:
“Listen, folks. When a small man with weird hair — not me, him — says bad things about you on Twitter, sometimes you have to bomb Iran. It’s called 4D chess. You wouldn’t understand.”
He then challenged Musk to settle the matter with a “Patriot Missile vs. Falcon 9” duel at high noon.
Biden’s Response: Total Dad Mode
When asked to comment, President Biden sighed and said, “Come on, man.”
He then wandered off to go pet a nearby robot dog that wasn’t there.
Kamala Harris briefly considered declaring martial law, but got distracted by a TikTok video of the missile launch set to Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood.
Markets in Freefall, Memes in Overdrive
- Bitcoin: Up, down, sideways. No one knows.
- Dogecoin: Surged 900% after Musk tweeted a GIF of a Shiba Inu piloting a drone strike.
- Truth Social: Crashed for 4 hours after Trump live-streamed himself eating KFC while plotting a possible strike on Saturn, “just in case Elon’s hiding there.”
Experts: “None of This Makes Sense”
Military scholars, crypto analysts, and even professional clowns agree:
This might be the dumbest international incident in recorded history.
Yet somehow… it’s also not the most surprising.
Disclaimer: This article is 100% parody and satire. Please do not invest, panic, or launch missiles based on it.
